Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
