I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
