I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
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On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
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There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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