I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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