Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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