I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
as a side note pls kill me
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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