high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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