You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
