Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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