and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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