im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
