is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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