when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
