I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
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I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
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When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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