We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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