i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
