Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Randomize
