We won't sleep together?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
