New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
