Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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