I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
