one word: firstdatebathroomanal
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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