nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My liver just had a heart attack.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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