Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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