She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
