The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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