He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
