First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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