well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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