i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
