Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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