The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
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Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
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Rumble strips road head = magical
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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