dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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