So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
