i just wanna soil my oats bro
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
