Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
he laminated a picture of his dick.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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