wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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