Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
