I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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