No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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