i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
