i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
