I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
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we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
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I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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