Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
