guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
