I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
