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Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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