bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
