Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize