Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
