im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
