I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
