Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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