I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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