I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
