Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Are my feet made of real feet?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
