There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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