my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
