Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
