I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
