Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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