Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
